Horace Mann's Weekly Newspaper Since 1903

The Record

Fake News Alert!

A Satirical Take on "News" around Campus

Aaron Snyder, Not a Staff Writer

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Last week a small group of teachers and administrators secretly met to reschedule “hell weeks” in response to the school’s switch from trimesters to semesters. The meeting was called after an administrator overheard multiple juniors bragging that the new policy would allow them to start their senior slumps in January.

According to audio recorders secretly planted in the dean’s office by former Head of Upper Division Dr. David Schiller, an unidentifiable faculty member said, “The goal of the switch is to make the school year seem easier while actually keeping it as hard as its always been.”

To combat the feeling that our school is becoming less stressful, the faculty have been asked to evaluate many proposals aimed at maintaining the level of academic rigor for which the school is known. An early favorite was a plan to switch from hell weeks to hell months.

The Athletics Department, hoping to build off of the momentum of the new attendance policy, proposed having P.E. grades be determined by athletic ability rather than effort in order to make students more competitive.

Also in contention was a carefully calculated proposal from the math department to change the ten-point scale to an eleven-point scale so students’ grades are rounded down instead of up at the end of the year.

The switch to semesters has presented an opportunity to department heads, who will now attempt to cram more material into their curriculums, despite the year not actually increasing in length. When the department chairs heard of my investigation into this matter, one was overheard saying “should Aaron really be spending time on this conspiracy theory given that he has three tests tomorrow?”

 

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Horace Mann's Weekly Newspaper Since 1903
Fake News Alert!