School cancelled next week due to rain forecast

Nelson Gaillard, Staff Writer

While AgriMann members were tilling Alumni field yesterday afternoon, a yeezy-obsessed freshman, walking along Tibbett Avenue from Olshan to Lutnick café, felt a drop of rain, he said, before taking an Uber XL home. An hour later, Head of School Dr. Tom Kelly’s email about a “Rain Week” shook First Class inboxes.

“AgriMann’s tractor caught my attention, so I turned my head and what did I see? The tractor, obviously,” hypebeast said. “But above the tractor, a cloud.”

“It looked ominous, so I thought I’d email Bartels,” he said.

“I also saw the cloud while I wasn’t paying attention and knitting during English,” an  anxiety-ridden-because-spring-is-encroaching-like-my-alarm-at-6am junior said. “I saw my GPA on Naviance the period before and dropped a stitch in my scarf, so my anxiety was already through the roof,” she added.

Since November’s Snow-pocalypse a few months ago and a collective 184 pairs of ruined Balenciaga and Golden Goose sneakers, the school’s administration has been taking every precaution to prevent future incidents like these.

“I’m actually still on my way home,” a sixth grader mentioned over a Facebook Messenger interview. “I’m only few minutes away tho,” he added.

A sophomore said that he couldn’t keep maxing out his dad’s credit card with Ubers to and from school in inclement weather or else he’d limit his postmates purchases, he said.

According to an “anonymous” survey sent out by the Record on Uber prices during the “snow incident,” two percent of students’ Ubers costed less than $100, but the other 98% paid more than $250 for an Uber into Manhattan.

“I would pay $400 if I had to,” a junior said. “I don’t know what I’d do if I had to walk more than a block in the rain.”

The cloud doesn’t only pose a threat for students, but also local businesses.

Moss Cafe and Bella Notte are closing for the upcoming week of April 8th because their main sources of income are seeking shelter at Nobu and Jean-Georges instead.

“This is devastating for our workers and our business,” Bella Notte Manager Mr. Penne said.

Yesterday morning, the official email announcing a rain week slid into MD and UD First Class.

“You have a free week in April, how do you spend it?” the CoCo’s College Survey asked.

“I wasn’t planning on coming to school anyway that week,” a second semester senior said. “I think my teacher said we might have a quiz on Friday, and my skin is way too clear to deal with stress.”

“I’ve been getting way too much sleep,” a wrap-line-cutting freshman said. “So, this extra week will allow me more time to rekindle my Snap Streaks.”

A junior, unmotivated and somehow living with senioritis, was unaware of the rain week until this interview.

“No way. I’ll prolly just stream Fortnite on Twitch with my grandma’s cat,” he said.

With their free week, a senior and his friends are looking forward to going back to PI, he said. “It’ll be nice to not have to do work next week. Not that I do work anyway, but…you know what I mean,” he added. “PI never dies!”

Many students believe the rain was a direct violation of their inherent right to a safe and secure environment. “If I slip on the pavement, I’m calling Cellino & Barnes faster than you can say personal injury lawsuit.”

“I don’t think Dr. Kelly could have made a better decision,” a freshman declared. “I need a lot more time to align my chakra.”