Missing item email: Students’ motivation

Kiara Royer, Staff Writer

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A day at school wouldn’t be a typical one if a ‘missing item’ email isn’t sent out by one of the deans. Students have lost a variety of items, including Moncler jackets, an $84.2 million mansion in the Hamptons, and 2/5 of the school’s Core Values; however, an item that has long been considered invaluable has now gone missing: the students’ motivation.

Yesterday, the Upper Division Dean of Students sent a frantic email to the school asking if anyone had any information about where the students’ inspiration went.

According to statistics provided by the school, students’ grades have decreased almost 20% when mid-semester grades came out; the Upper Division’s B+ average has now dropped to a C-.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. The Facilities Management Staff have been scurrying around campus waving lacrosse sticks, trying to trap the missing motivation.

One student spotted Head of Facilities Management I. M. Kleen ensnared in a fencing dual with a squirrel on the steps outside of Lutnick Hall.

According to an anonymous source, the school has even attempted to Postmates the missing motivation; however, it has not appeared on the menus at Bella Notte, Broadway Joe’s or Riverdale Diner.

Now that they haven’t been given sufficient attention or praise by their students, teachers have been losing their minds.

“No one is doing my 147 page history source reading; it’s almost as if no one cares about the Chesapeake Bay,” a history teacher said, crumpling up an essay with a grade of ‘-18’ written in the corner.

“Just last period, I saw someone climb the library desks and swing from the lamps hanging from the ceiling,” a bewildered librarian said. “I have no idea what’s gotten into them. My guess? The Lutnick café’s coffee is spiked with something.”

The senior now spends her time after school tilling the soil on Alumni Field as inspiration for Agrimann, the school’s Agriculture and Farming Equipment Magazine.

“I’d rather be actively re-enacting the lives of 17th century peasants instead of reading about them in a textbook,” she said as she wiped her brow. “We have dance classes instead of gym, so I think farming should become an optional class as well.”

After receiving the second College Survey sent out by the College Counseling office a few days go, a dejected junior gave up on ever starting or finishing the questionnaire.

“I just finished the first one, and now they send out another?” a junior wearing a Harvard University sweatshirt with Duke University sweatpants said. “I was so stressed about college before, but I think at this point I’m going to wing it. After all, what could go wrong?”

Instead of attending school, the junior will start to work full time at Goldman Sachs next week, and the student invests his weekly allowance of $30,000 into the stock market.

One freshman said that he lost his motivation after going all out on Project X.

“Every single day I was just fighting to stay alive. My spoon was my armor, but the game almost took my soul,” the freshman said. “I had to peek around every corner and hide in bushes; I really lost my motivation for schoolwork during that week, and so it affected me after the game was over too.”

He is now preparing to win Project X next year, so his daily four hour spoon poking practice after school doesn’t leave a lot of time to study for tests, the freshmen said.

According to a survey sent out by The Record, 97% of the student body responded feeling a drastic lack of motivation compared to the first semester. The last time this number was so high was in 1975, when the school became coeducational, as students began ogling the newly admitted female students’ exposed shoulders and lost concentration in class.

One science teacher has been working overtime to try and locate the missing motivation.

After his elaborate plan involving chemicals found underneath Four Acres and the NSA agent tracking his Facebook activity failed, the teacher has resulted to simply praying to the Snow Gods before A period everyday.

“How can we have a secure and healthful environment and a good balance between individual achievement and a caring community if the students don’t even want to learn?” the science teacher said, nervously flipping through the school’s Family Handbook to search for an answer.

While the teachers are frantically trying to solve the problem, the students have a different mindset.

“I have no idea how to regain my motivation, and to be honest, I don’t really care,” a sophomore said, yawning. “I’ve stopped doing homework and just play Big Fish, and it’s honestly taught me more lessons about life than school has.”