Changed wifi password at Dorr sparks outrage

Ranya Sareen and Mayanka Dhingra

Enraged students at John Dorr Nature Laboratory (Dorr) are in open rebellion. They are prolonging the length of hot showers from five to six minutes after an unexpected change to the Wifi password sparked mutiny amongst the student body.

News of the password change circulated last week after the Varsity Ping Pong team held their first annual team bonding weekend at the off-campus site. Since then, various team members have expressed their discontent.

“The administration needs to know that we are infuriated and won’t go down without a fight,” Celine-O N. Barnes (9) said. “Ping Pong is an Olympic sport by the way.”

The “forced face to face interaction” caused by the lack of internet connection, prompted many team members to speak to one another about topics they had never discussed before, causing acute distress on the team, Ping Pong team Captain Broad Waychoes (11) said.

Now, students are demanding a change on the basis of the School’s core values: a balance between individual achievement and a caring community.   

Dunky DoNuts (12) believes she was “robbed” of her ability to celebrate her recent success in completing the CAT after trying to conquer the obstacle course over 337 individual attempts during her career at the school, she said.

When DoNuts went to livestream her achievement, she was appalled by the “failed to connect” notification on her iPhone, that she fell off the climbing structure, breaking her pinky toe on the fall, she said.

After this event the Varsity Ping Pong team and DoNuts, along with a cohort of displeased students, decided to storm Dorr at night to take control of the facilities. Students are now taking record-long showers and disobeying the laws of beauty and order. “It’s ugliness and chaos from here on, bros.” DoNuts said.

“So much for safe and secure,” Mont Claire (10) said. “The network is most definitely not secure.”