Wind Ensemble toots their way to Super Bowl

Nistha Sharma and Eddie Jin

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The National Football League (NFL) announced that they will invite the nation’s top independent school bands – including the school’s Wind Ensemble, Riversdale’s Orchestra, and Fieldston’s Choir – to perform in the Super Bowl halftime show on March 17.

The decision came following the hilltop schools’ mash-up of “Mo Bamba” by Sheck Wes and “Sicko Mode” by Travis Scott at the Spring Concert. “It was absolutely ravishing,” Wind Ensemble conductor Miguel Bombastic said. “The hairs on my mustache were tingling.”

Additionally, The New York State Music Association of Independent Schools (NYMAIS) unanimously agreed to name the Wind Ensemble “Ensemble of the Month” following its performance. “When the piece begins and nobody plays, there is a confused silence that captures the disorder of our universe, and it’s beautiful,” NYMAIS chairman Freddy McOboe said.

The Wind Ensemble will perform alongside Adam Levine, returning by popular demand, and Odell Beckham Jr. A recent survey of 100 students found that 99 would love to see Levine shirtless again. The one dissenting student declared his tattoos “tacky.” “I hope he doesn’t plan on being buried in a Jewish cemetery,” he said.

After his transfer to the Cleveland Browns, Beckham is turning to a musical career as a violinist.

The Wind Ensemble often collaborates with the Orchestra, but it was unfortunately disinvited from performing at the halftime show because they “clearly never practice,” whereas the Wind Ensemble “evidently does absolutely nothing but meticulously rehearse – with metronomes – at allegretto tempo after tuning to a B flat note from their excellent tubist,” John Rocknroll, a NYMAIS competition judge, said.

These controversial remarks bewildered the Orchestra. “We never practice?” an Orchestra member shouted. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard the Wind Ensemble play a B flat in tune.” Offended, the Wind Ensemble’s lead trumpet threatened to “pluck every hair off your bow then throw it down a bassoon.”

Nonetheless, Orchestra spokespeople said the group is relieved to be finished with the season. “It was a good run with the bois,” Orchestra president Viola Basscello (12) said. “Bro I played so much cello the strings were falling out of my bow. One more concerto and both I and the cello would literally snap,” cellist Cell O’onedge (11) said.

“Thank Mozart we don’t need to play that modern music,” Orchestra conductor Icant Handel said.

The jazz ensemble also questioned the Wind Ensemble’s commitment to the beat. “We start playing before they can even find their music, and we produce REAL music from our souls, and they get to perform?” Davis Fivemiles (12) said. “Jazz music isn’t dead but it smells funny.”

Another candidate for the halftime show, the school’s consortium of SoundCloud rappers, was devastated at the decision. However, all have refused to be interviewed by the Record. One responded to a request with “I’m on X-games mode. [An interview] isn’t good for my clout,” followed by several expletives.