Student protest after Keg Party is removed from health class

Julia Robbins, Staff Writer

All that could be heard echoing through the halls of the school this past week have been cries of “#RipLangston.” As the health class curriculum stops showing the iconic film “Keg Party” as part of its course, students can’t help but reflect on the film’s impact and cinematic value.

For those who are unfamiliar with Keg Party’s academic and social significance, either because they aren’t yet in tenth grade or because they don’t appreciate fine culture, one former health class student summed up the movie perfectly.

“Imagine that a less than fully sober high school student picked up a camera whose screen was for whatever reason entirely coated in dust, and the first thought that kid somehow had was: ‘what if I made a movie about the symptoms of dangerous intoxication with a bunch of my friends who refused to ever take an acting class,’” Flambé South said

“Keg Party made me want to stop drinking, not from learning about the risks of intoxication, but because I will forever be concerned about how dumb I look drunk on camera,” Smiley Cyprus (10) said.

But Lil’ Keggy P, an adoring nickname that students have started using for the film, is not only a tale about alcohol and parties, it is a story of character, and sometimes the lack thereof.

“I learned how to be a better brother from watching how David cared for his sister in the film,” Bud Weiser (10), belligerent athlete turned affectionate brother, said.

For Corona Greygoose (11), the hairstyle and terrible acting of person was too distracting for her to take away anything positive from his character, she said. “In fact, I think that I’m now a worse sister than I used to be because I don’t ever want to duplicate the awkward efforts of person.”

Trader seems to be an anomaly in this regard, as 99% of the students polled showed greater levels of empathy, conscientiousness, and of course, mullets, after watching Barrel Rager (another moniker for the movie).

“Watching the different characters in the film, specifically Langston, make their way through the night, taught me more than I would ever like to know about human nature, love, loss, and asphyxiation,” Jack Daniels, scarred from the movie, said.

For years, Keg Party has touched the lives of so many students and confused tour groups alike, so one can imagine the great extent of outrage that has enveloped the school community from the news that the film has run its course.

“If there is anything that Horace Mann students can all agree on, it’s that watching Keg Party in tenth grade was a transformative part of our immediate post-pubescent intellectual growth,” Card Ybee (12) said.

While all members of the community hope that another movie will come along to help educate students about alcohol consumption, nobody is yet ready to think about what that might be.

Keg Party is a tough act to follow, and whatever the next movie is, holds the weight of molding the next generation of students, leaders, poorly trained actors, and sensible drinkers.

According to an unnamed source in the administration, the school is currently in talks with Steven Spielberg to direct a new PSA, “Vape Party.”