Varsity Couch Potatoes dominate the Ivy League

Sam Keimweiss, Staff Writer

Spencer ‘channel-surfer’ Kahn’t (11) won this year’s award for Most Valuable Couch Potato, given annually to the school’s best athlete on the prestigious team. Kahn’t and his teammates on the Varsity Layabout Team, the Horace Mann Lay-ons, won the Ivy League Championships for the third year in a row, edging out Dalton and their star senior Henriette ‘do-nothing’ Johnson in a final that was astoundingly unexciting.

Kahn’t’s signature move, in which he switches from one channel to another at carefully timed intervals, is what makes him such a powerful force on the team, teammate Angie ‘in a second’ Snoretez (11) said. “He really is the most important time waster on our team. Everyone agrees that he deserves the award.”

Team captains Julia ‘snackstar’ Sloth (12) and James ‘beanbag chair’ Stuck (12) endorsed Kahn’t for the award before the athletics banquet but made sure to acknowledge all of the students on the team for their hard work at hardly working. “Being at Horace Mann, we often feel a pressure to perform. Our team has done an exemplary job of avoiding work and enjoying food, and for that, we couldn’t be more grateful,” Sloth said.

When Coach Potato Adam ‘sleepyhead’ Couchdin awarded Kahn’t, he thanked his team for their work and announced his retirement. “For the past eight years, I have urged my team every day to stay on their butts and make an effort to not make an effort. Now, it is time for me to follow my own example and retire to my couch. Thank you, Horace Mann, for your support, and thank you students for your sluggishness!” he said.

Kahn’t was grateful for the award but, in true couch potato fashion, could not accept it, as he had decided not to attend the ceremony and instead rewatch “The Office” for the thirtieth time.