MAGA hat found, incites third Red Scare

Talia Winiarsky and Claire Goldberg

All school will be conducted remotely for the next two weeks after Public Safety identified and successfully obliterated a MAGA hat on Alumni Field, Head of School Dr. Tee Kay announced in an email at 3:28 am. Currently, there are only speculations as to who owns the hat, and how it made it past school security in the first place, he wrote in an email. 

The hat was found at 5 a.m. on Friday morning, Head of Public Safety Secure Ity said. “Any time we detect an unwanted presence on campus, we initiate all safety protocols faster than you can say ‘Dump Trump,’” Ity said. 

First, all iron gates were immediately closed so that no one could enter or exit campus. Then, a team of 20 undercover officers was dispatched with anti-mask pamphlets, hunting rifles, and ‘Saturdays Are For the Boys’ flags to try and lure the culprit out of their hiding spot, Ity said. “They tend to be drawn to others in the pack,” Ity said. “We had already developed a 750-step plan to represent how much money Trump pays in taxes, in case this problem ever arose.”

Kay decided to call an emergency assembly to address the event. “My priority is making sure that everyone feels safe on campus, and I know that the assault on our core values — in the form of a MAGA hat — was beyond alarming,” he wrote. 

Kay will mail each student Patagonia vests, Nalgene water bottles, and New Yorker tote bags to both provide a means of comfort in this difficult time, and to cement their liberal identities. Students will also have access to Kay’s credit card in the event that these items are not sufficient and should feel free to order any kind of soup they like from Zabar’s or swag from the Settle for Biden site, he wrote.

The event and the school’s reaction quickly made national headlines, even drawing attention from the President himself. “Sad! Just heard about the FAKE LIBERAL Media taking over the schools, exactly Where they don’t belong, Very sad, very Very sad,” Trump tweeted. “This is the Worst Thing To Happen In Schools Since The 1619 Project. The Do Nothing Democrats are terrible teachers!” 

The President even seemed to suggest that he himself was the hat culprit. “Finally someone burst These liberal Elites’ bubble, who Knows, maybe it was Me,” he tweeted, following a string of elicit emojis. 

Feeltha Bern (11) said she broke down in tears when she heard the news. “I just don’t know if, like, I’m going to be able to feel safe at this school anymore,” she said. “Like sure, they say they removed the hat already, but I just know that now every time I’m walking across the field my heart just starts pounding uncontrollably, and I have to douse myself in kinetic sand to calm me down.” 

The news shows that Fieldston students were right about Horace Mann being the “Republican school” of the Hilltop schools, she said. “I just don’t feel like my liberal views are respected here anymore.”

During online school, all teachers will postpone assignments and assessments to address the event, Kay wrote. “We decided to halt all normal classes because we understand how impossible it can be to learn in an environment that may feel hostile,” he said. Any student who does not feel like they can come to class at all will be excused — no questions asked, he said. 

 

A new mandatory history class will also be introduced to the curriculum, called “World Historythrough a Liberal Lens,” History Teacher Dema Crat said. “While this is very similar to the old curriculum, some might say exactly the same, we decided on this new name to demonstrate to everyone how we truly feel. Plus we added a bonus unit on Karl Marx. So that’s fun!” 

The school will also introduce “MAGA hat safety video” to the annual safety assembly so that students are equipped to deal with stray conservative propaganda on campus, Ity said. “The video will mostly show students how to dispose of the hat properly, and it also stresses the importance of telling any peers trying to talk to you at the scene of the hat, ‘Sorry, I can’t talk right now, I have a MAGA hat to dispose of.”

To prevent incidents in the future, the school is instigating a Conservative Symptom Check, which parents or guardians will have to fill out every morning, Kay wrote. “The list asks students if they believe in climate change, the legitimacy of election results, whether or not women should have the right to choose, and more,” he said. If students answer no to any of these questions, they will be instructed to stay home.

“If I couldn’t say my opinion before, what am I supposed to do now?” Conserva Tive (10) said, an anonymous student who chose to be anonymous for, well, obvious reasons. “I’m going to have to start posting infographics on my Instagram story, putting stickers on my laptop, and tell my friends that I think young Joe Biden is hot.”

* Right before the paper was sent to print, we found out that all students and faculty will return to school on Monday. The hat was discovered to read “Cornell Grandpa.” False alarm, everyone.