Consbeeracy buzzes around

Mia Calzolaio, Staff Writer

A few weeks ago, Polly Nater (11) was one of a select group of very observant students who began noticing the bees around campus. First, they were clustered by the trash cans. Then a lone soul buzzed around the bathroom near the cafeteria. Nater didn’t think much of it until after a particular incident in which a singular bee followed her around the field for an entire period. At that point, she became suspicious of the seemingly omnipresent little pests. 


Having picked up some close reading tips from a recent issue of The Record, Nater perused the school’s 183 page Plan to Reopen. After two hours, Nater stumbled upon a small footnote, Clause 227a, hidden beneath a large paragraph about how to properly wash your hands. Written in two point Comic Sans font, the clause read: “The school may use animals, insects or otherwise, to enforce social distancing and student safety at our discretion.”


Head of School Dr. Tee Kay confirmed this plot. “About two weeks before the start of school, we hired a bee-keeping company to install hives of bees who were trained to keep students at a distance,” Kay said. “They were installed in various locations around campus, including a toilet in Fisher, a computer cart in Tillinghast, a bucket in the basement of Lutnick, and others that remain confidential at this time,” he wrote in a FirstClass chat room. 


The administration decided that it would not email students about the plan because the absolutely unreadable 183 page plan was “always available to everyone,” he said. 


The school colluded with the company Sting, a branch of Flik, who trained around 300 bees to buzz at students whenever they were less than six feet apart. The bees were equipped with special microscopic motion sensors that could detect space between students in order to complete this task, Kay said.


However, in recent weeks, the plan has gone haywire. “The school lost track of the original blueprints that contained the locations of the hidden hives, and most of the sensors on the bees have malfunctioned or fallen off completely,” Kay said.


Recently, Kay sent out an email warning students that the bees they had been seeing around campus could exhibit extremely hostile behavior towards students who put more than two packets of sugar in their coffee.


According to Nater, the bees have taken a particular liking to the colors of Golden Goose sneakers and are especially prone to chasing sixth grade girls. She has even seen a cluster of bees “conspire” to steal all the salmon avocado rolls from the food truck, she said. 


Nata Naturgal (7) said the bees have aggressively approached her and her friends during lunch. “I can’t possibly imagine what they might be attracted to,” Naturgal said. “I just want to eat my chicken tenders and honey mustard in peace, but they won’t stop bothering me. They have clearly gone crazy.”


Another student, Quein Bea (10), said she has seen bees flying off with students’ AirPods, and just last week, her custom-made Timothee Chalamet key chain fell victim to the hive. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without my little Timmy,” she said, fighting through tears. 


The Parents’ Association immediately established a subcommittee when they heard that bees were becoming more prevalent around the school. “In my household, we do not tolerate Bs,” one confused parent said. “My child must never get below an A. I want her to go to college, not technical school.”


The subcommittee was disbanded once they realized the issue was related to child safety, not grades.