Horace Mamptons to open soon-ish

Talia Winiarsky and Henry Owens

Move over, Avenues — HM is in town! After Thanksgiving, when most of the school will conduct HM Online 2.0, the school will offer an in-person learning option in Southampton: Horace Mampton, Head of School Dr. Tee Kay said. 

The option is available for all Horace Mann Platinum Maroon Circle members, which includes all families who donate more than $250,000,000 annually. “Avenues is no longer the only school with a pretentious Long Island outpost,” Kay wrote on an airplane banner currently flying across the South Shore beaches, his new preferred means of communication with The Record

The new campus is located in Southampton, universally regarded to be bougiest of the Hamptons. It was designed by Salvador Gaudí, who joined the mission due to its “hope and promise for the next generation,” he said. “The reason La Sagrada Familia has taken 100 years to finish is because I’m working on this project. Priorities, you know?” 

Gaudí’s design includes numerous facilities, including a cricket pitch, four badminton courts, an indoor pool with waterslide, and an 800-year-old library. 

Due to it literally being a castle on a hill, the campus is not accessible by car or bus. Students will have to arrive by helicopter or yacht. 

As distinguished alum William Carlos Williams ’03 once — more or less — said, “The better work men do is always done under stress and at great personal cost… in the Hamptons.”

Numerous food options will be available to students, including an on-campus Sant Ambroeus and daily catering by The Plaza Café. “It’s not quite as good as my private chef, but it’s alright for brunch and Hors d’oeuvres, so long as I’m home for supper cooked by Gordon Ramsay,” Chip Smith (10) said.

After years of colloquial usage, “Tea Time” will be the official title of Horace Mamtomps’ break, which will last from 10 to 11 a.m. and include a variety of fresh croissants, traditional baguettes, Sabra hummus cups, and scones. 

The school does not want students to go without normalcy, so sports will continue, Kay said. They will provide wetsuits for wakeboarding in the bay and hold daily scrimmages as to who can stay up the longest, he said. 

The school will add new classes to take advantage of their new campus. They will replace all English classes with an “Influencing 101 Class” with a curriculum dedicated to teaching students how to effectively run their Rinstas, Finstas, stories, private stories, Facebooks, Facebook lives, TikToks, and LinkedIns — a special challenge for those with a GPA above 4.0. 

The school’s main challenge will be that Thanksgiving to January is when the Golden Geese migrate to the Hamptons, Kay said. Their cawing may be too loud for classes to be held in tents, which is why the field will be reserved for sports only. “They’re uncontrollable,” Kay said. “They’re leaving the Upper East Side in droves to come to our campus.”

“Horace Mann has always been a bubble, but the Southampton bubble is so extreme that we don’t need to worry about masks or distancing,” Kay said. “There’s really no need to worry about exposure. We do a great job of concealing the horrors of the outside world, germs included.”