School purchases rights to Charlie Brown

Hanna Hornfeld, Staff Writer

Whenever students feel overwhelmed by their absurd amount of work and find themselves slowly slipping into the void of stress, despair, and utter lack of will to do anything they can find comfort in the Charlie Brown franchise. Just make it through October, and you can watch Lucy bad mouth her brother’s dreams to every stranger who will listen, while Sally and Linus embrace the true spirit of Christian girl autumn in a pumpkin patch and Charlie Brown reluctantly grows his rock collection. Iconic.

So when students found out that Apple TV’s purchase of exclusive rights to the Charlie Brown franchise would prevent them from watching the movies in the Katz Library, they were, to say the least, incredibly gosh darn upset. 

Without the promise of these god-given movies to look forward to, once put-together students descended into madness. One group of students pulled an all-nighter on Alumni Field, carefully watching for a pumpkin to rise up from the ground and grant their wishes. “We were manifesting,” Mathstu Dent (11) said. “As practice for when Warles Chorrall gives back our tests.”

The Library Department resolved to do the only thing that made sense: use the money that would have otherwise been spent on a skating rink and bouncy castle to sue Apple TV for Charlie Brown. They won the lawsuit, of course. Apple TV, a platform on which nobody watches anything, stood no chance against the Library, the source of all the Charlie Brown in the world.

The exact details of how the Library won the lawsuit are unclear, which irks some students. “The plot of this story has a lot of holes,” Nior said. “Kind of like Charlie’s ghost costume.”

Despite the secrecy of their methods, the Library now has a complete monopoly on the Peanuts franchise. Starting today, Charlie Brown will play in the Library classroom perpetually, so that whenever students are experiencing a moment and their usual sources of guidance are occupied, they can escape reality with the greatest movies ever made. This service is free for all students  — considering they already pay the school 50 grand a year.

The Library will also be selling Peanuts-themed merchandise, which they tactfully put on display in every corner of the school, from the inside of middle school lockers all the way to that random area in the basement between the elevator and the archives. 

Because of this genius advertising, anyone who comes to watch the movies will succumb to the all-powerful force of consumerism and spend all their money on the Library’s products. “We saw our chance and we took it,” a librarian said. “And now we’re going to be so rich. Nickels nickels nickels. What a beautiful sound!!!”

Although ethically questionable, this endeavor will ultimately benefit the student body — at least on the superficial level that people pay attention to, Dent said. “Are they profiting off some students’ borderline unhealthy obsession with a group of fictional characters?” they said. “Maybe. Will my happiness now rely solely on constantly having access to an endless supply of these movies? Perhaps. Is it worth it? Absolutely.”