Editorial: The Record endorses Donald Trump

With the election next Tuesday, we know many of you are still undecided. Fear not! The Record is proud to announce our endorsement for the 2020 Presidential Election: Donald J. Trump. 

Trump is the only candidate who represents our mission as a student newspaper by consistently opposing fake news. He calls Joe Biden out on being sleepy — and despite getting a collective six hours of sleep as a board, we have NEVER once appeared sleepy. He’s the only candidate with a (still) distinguished alum in his cabinet.

 

Most importantly, Trump best represents our school’s core values.

 

Life of the Mind He has such a big mind! He has the biggest, most beautiful words. Fenommmmenal words. 

 

Mature Behavior Having a relationship with a porn star is certainly mature, if you know what we mean.

 

Mutual Respect He treats all people with equal respect, whether you’re a Proud Boy or Qanon believer. He is the least racist person he knows, and he always manages to find fine people on both sides.

 

A Secure and Healthful Environment He defeated the coronavirus. We are so happy about that. We’re attending school in person and everything is awesome. This is so normal. Everything is normal. It’s fine. We’re fine. 

 

A Balance Between Individual Achievement and a Caring Community Well… four and a half out of five ain’t bad. Trump has achieved everything himself. Also, Caring Communities are for losers and haters.