Horace Mann to become all boys again, beginning Fall 2022


Vivien Sweet and Talia Winiarsky

Horace Mann will once again become an all-boys’ school next year, overturning the controversial 5-4 1975 decision to permit girls to attend the school. The school will drop the second “n” in “Mann” to appropriately represent the new demographic. 

“For new social-distancing protocols, we had to eliminate half of the school population,” Head of Upper Division Dr. Jennifer Delilah Levy said. “You know, the hallways were getting too crowded. So we used the most statistically advanced system possible, RandomNameGenerator.com. It just happened to be that all of those students were girls.”

After being told to evacuate the third-floor bathroom in Tillinghast, the girls were dismayed but not surprised. “I feel like we’ve had this coming,” Girl Boss (11) said. “The school started out by giving us cardboard tampons, then by making us actually change for gym.” 

According to a poll conducted by The Mansplainer, which has replaced The Record, 94% of the remaining student body was happy with the decision. “I mean, if we can still hook up with them, it’s chill I guess,” Bro Broenstein (12) wrote in a Snap text. “But, like, I can’t be exclusive though. I just want to put that out there.”

A self-identified centrist who asked that his name not be published says that there has been much less gossip circulating about his political views. Prior to the removal of women, he was “villainized” and “matronized” by girls who disagreed with him. “You say that Kavanaugh is your role model one time and nobody lets you live that down,” he said. “Except for my boys, of course.” 

In the Student Lounge, gaming and arguing has continued, seemingly oblivious to the removal of women. “I don’t expect the social scene to be much different,” Trak Pants (10) said. “I don’t interact with girls that much anyway.”

The academic scene will certainly look different, however. There will be no more Psychology and AP English, as the demand is simply not high enough with the girls gone, Levy said. The school will also discontinue The Record, Mannikin, Manuscript, Folio 51, Feminist Students Association, Horace Mann Theatre Company, Horace Mann Dance Company, Happiness Club, and the Cancer Awareness Club. 

To replace AP English, the English department will install an intensive year-long class called “The Language of Boys” in which students will learn how to speak like a Real Horace Mann Man. They will have a unit on how to properly use each of these phrases: “glooks,” “valid,” “bet,” and “say less.” There will be an additional unit on discrete self-adjustment. 

Popular gathering spaces, such as the big stall in the girls’ bathrooms, will be converted into Fantasy Football Centers, Levy said. “It’ll spare out teachers from having to hear this before class every day,” she said. “Now they can have their own little space to carry out their little fantasy games.”

A handful of classes and clubs will remain the same, though. “Wait, there were girls in this class?” AP Physics student Imm Mahture (12) said. “I had no idea.”

Director of the ICIE Toksik Maskewlinity said the removal of women presents an exciting opportunity for the boys, as they will be able to explore their sexualities without the pressure of girls. “Now that they’re surrounded with just boys, I suspect there will be a lot of productive discovery,” he said. 

Fortunately for the high school-less girls, a suitor has come to their rescue. The Regis School has very kindly offered to take all of them in, citing “a need for a non-academic distraction for our boys,” Head of Regis Gawd Fourbid said. “As a proud Catholic institution, I can say with certainty that this is what Jesus would want. Or at least what Mary would want Jesus to do.”

When Bill Barr ‘67 revisited the school for his 46th reunion, he was pleased to see that Horace Man was just as he left it, except the boys were dressed like “vagrants” and a  couple inches shorter than he remembered, he said. “The school was a lot more serious in 1975, and I’m thrilled that it is returning to that state,” Barr said to The Mansplainer.

At the graduation of the school’s first all-male class in nearly half a century, Mann felt himself tear up upon hearing the revised alma mater. “I’m really looking forward to this next step in Horace Man’s future. Bet?” valedictorian Mis Ogynest said. “Bet,” the singers chanted back.