Socially Liberal, Fiscally Conservative Affinity Space
Are you intrigued by what it means to be a living oxymoron? Has the loss of traditional Republicanism at the hands of radical fanatics gotten you down? Come check out the affinity space for we who identify as socially liberal, fiscally conservative. We’re dedicated to ignoring the monetary needs that any real social change in our capitalist society require. Each week, we discuss tangible social issues, like climate change and housing, and consider all the intangible solutions to these problems that don’t require raising taxes for the wealthy. We know how hard it is to endure the pressure of Instagram activists and the ceaseless cry of, “What about the lower class?” This is a safe space for fellow aspiring hedge fund managers to relax and engage in good ‘ole cathartic political dialogue — no SJWs to spike your blood pressure! Among other issues, we come together to lament the loss of the 2012 election, speak about our impending anxiety over the thought of Medicare for All, and worry about the abolition of the private prison system. We’re open to everyone (as long as your parents are in one of the highest tax brackets, have committed a white collar crime, and/or can provide “free handouts” from the pharmaceutical companies they represent). Come by next I period for hot chocolate, cupcakes, and a fake mugshot of Bernie Sanders when he was arrested for robbery!
The Philanthropy Games
Everyone has gotten a little bored of the usual charity model, so we’ve decided to spice up the way we distribute miniscule amounts of our wealth. Enter the Philanthropy Games, a club that hosts a biannual competition which includes tributes from various small businesses and nonprofit organizations who engage in a Hunger Game-esque duel for a $50 check. Since the school does not give away money unless it is for something serious and important (like a bouncy castle or a hot dog truck), our parents have generously donated both the prize money and the 200 acre property (complete with mansion and guest houses) on which the competition (the battle, one could say) takes place. While our parents also organize the event and pick the participating organizations, we spend the months leading up to the competitions hard at work googling people from the organizations in order to pick out the volunteers that seem best fit for undisclosed physical activity. The rest of our time is spent watching the fruits of our hard, hard labor! To celebrate each Philanthropy Game, the club pools together our parents’ money yet again to rent out a movie theater at a secret location, gorge ourselves on caviar and gold leaf, and watch as our hand-selected, all natural contestants duke it out on the battlefield (…a metaphorical battlefield, of course…). Although we can’t go too far into it until you’ve pinky promised us to not reveal too much about our club (and signed a nondisclosure agreement), we swear it’s as fun as your annual trophy hunts. If you’re worried about being implicated in any illicit behavior, have no fear! We’re all rich enough that we can’t be tried as adults, and our parents can always pay bail! If any of this sounds like something you’d be interested in, reach out to your nearest illicit weapons trader to join — they all know our club.
Emails To Teachers Club
Picture this: It’s past sundown on a Sunday night, and you are frantically attempting to draft an email to your favorite teacher asking if the research paper due in less than three hours can be in bullet point format. You’ve made it past apologizing for the time, but you can’t decide whether “I hope you had a nice weekend” is still appropriate — when does “start to your week” become appropriate? Don’t worry; we’ve all been there. If the thought of typing lastnamefirstinitial into FirstClass gives you the heebie jeebies, we are here to help! Emails To Teachers is a group of like-minded, persistent, maladjusted individuals who will happily log into your email to write to your teachers for you. Our team of three and a half members went through an intense vetting process, in which they completed typing challenges, grammar quizzes, and a personal essay about their favorite punctuation (parentheses were a crowd favorite!). While our team may be small, even measly — in size and individual appearance — we promise to be your biggest supporters! Let us teach you the ropes: if you sign your emails with “cheers,” there is definitely some room for growth. If you would like to participate, please FirstClass Instant Message Tee ChersPet (don’t be frightened — you don’t actually have to open your Mailbox to do that). We promise to always go forth with the perfect balance of quirky and respectful, as well as to never ask for an extension on a project less than 40 minutes before the time it is due (if it comes to that, there aren’t enough “apologies again” to save you).