By: Your Resident-Record-Astrology-Experts (aka that-imposter-who-has-always-thought-that-astrology-was-silly-but-downloaded-CoStar-this-week-and-for-some-reason-can’t-stop-reading and That Actual One Who Made Her Download It)
Jan 20—Feb 18
Strengths: Everything, you are perfect.
Weaknesses: Absolutely nothing, obviously.
Advice: It’s time to tone down the God complex, my man. You need to stop shouting in the library. I promise you that no one cares about how many hours of sleep you got last night. (And if they said they did, they’re lying.)
Feb 19—Mar 20
Strengths: You will be excellent at bowling this moon cycle.
Weaknesses: Question 4 part b on that math test.
Advice: STOP EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW. THE ONLY WAY TO PREVENT YOUR INEVITABLE DOOM IS TO READ EVERY PAGE OF THIS ISSUE.
Mar 21—Apr 19
Strengths: Overnight, you became weirdly good at beatboxing.
Weaknesses: Communication. No conversation will go well. Not today, not ever.
Advice: Expecting factoids about special relativity and planetary nebulae?? Oh, sweet young child, go back to that brief time in 9th grade English when you covered spelling and grammar only to never dabble in it again. This is ASTROLOGY. Not Astronomy. Astronomy’s for peasants.
Apr 20—May 20
Strengths: Your vitamin D levels are superb.
Weaknesses: You’ll forget that thing. No, the other one.
Advice: Be careful walking on that awkwardly slippery part of Alumni Field right outside of Tillinghast Hall where the rays of Jupiter’s second sun point. Your double mask isn’t going to save you from a mouthful of mud.
May 21—Jun 20
Strengths: Strength. Try arm wrestling anyone.
Weaknesses: Your breath will be terrible for 46 days. Not like your mouth was near anyone’s anyway.
Advice: Oh, baby! A miracle is headed your way. No, not the lottery, goofball! I’m talking about a real miracle. That shampoo will do wonders for your hair. For real. More silk, more shine, more growth. I’m excited for you already.
Jun 21—Jul 22
Strengths: Empathy! For all!
Weaknesses: You lack emotional stability.
Advice: Stop crying. Last week it was unreciprocated love, this week it’s Chemistry, but that’s not different. You’re spending too many hours weeping, and the Kleenex costs are adding up. That was NOT an invitation to cry over the guilt you feel from you’re forcing your mother to make trips to CVS for tissues. Just meditate. Or hold it in. Or something.
Jul 23—Aug 22
Strengths: You will never have dandruff again.
Weaknesses: Your height.
Advice: Apologize. Yes, I know you don’t think it’s realllyyyy necessary. You’re wrong. You do not understand empathy. Go apologize. Oh my god, why are you still reading this? Can’t you just read advice from a newspaper, take it at face value, fold its pages, return it to Oshan Lobby, and obey its commands?
Aug 23—Sep 22
Strengths: You are a perfectionist whose biggest fear is disappointing someone.
Weaknesses: You are a perfectionist whose biggest fear is disappointing someone.
Advice: Usually, I like to say that it’s going to all work itself out in the end. You know, everything happens for a reason and so on and so forth. Not sure I can say that here. Sorry, love. It’ll be a toughie.
Sep 23—Oct 22
Strengths: Your jokes are absolutely hilarious.
Weaknesses: No one besides you will find them funny.
Advice: Forget about Mercury, you’re the one in retrograde! Or is it renegade? Regardless, the TikTok dances in the hallway need to stop. They are neither quirky nor cute. You now bear an uncanny resemblance to a seventh grade girl.
Oct 23—Nov 21
Strengths: People are *still* scared of you.
Weaknesses: Steve Buscemi is your celebrity look alike.
Advice: The answer to 17d in the first assignment you open today will be 9826. Don’t bother showing any work; your teacher will not ask to see it in the beginning of class. She will ask for Monday’s assignment, though, so don’t cut any corners this weekend.
Nov 22—Dec 21
Strengths: Error 404, strengths not found.
Weaknesses: All of them.
Advice: No. You don’t exist. You literally do not exist. Goodbye. Don’t bother sending a Letter to the Editor to complain because you Do Not Exist.
Dec 22—Jan 19
Strengths: You will remember everyone’s name.
Weaknesses: You yourself are incredibly forgettable.
Advice: Don’t freak out when your lab partner calculates all of your measurements in miles instead of centimeters and messes up the entire experiment — it was fate. Besides, just remember to multiply by 160934 and you’re chillin’!