From The Record editors’ experience, these steps have resulted in a 100% scheme rate. If they don’t work the first time, keep repeating them until you find success (or a restraining order).
First: an organic introduction. Do what we do and ask to interview them for your Record article. (Yes, anyone who’s ever interviewed you before was trying to scheme you.)
Snapchat and Instagram DMs aren’t classy. Instead, communicate exclusively via FirstClass, the most romantic and transparent platform, using Garamond, the sexiest font. If you use Papyrus or Helvetica (heaven forbid), just give up already. Actually, seek help.
Go to the dean’s office and ask Mr. Smith for their schedule. Be sure to say hello to Mr. Smith; he’s delightful. Ask him about his favorite movies. Next, memorize the schedule and pass by each of their classes at least three times so they are forced to think about you. But don’t go more than five times a period — you don’t want them thinking you have serious stomach problems. They don’t want to pass IBS on to your future children.
Make a playlist on Spotify titled their full name and share it with them. Be sure to include the entire soundtrack from Zootopia. Maybe rewatch Zootopia. Realize that it’s filled with contemporary allegories to class and racial politics.
Stalk their parents on LinkedIn, and ask your scheme about their work experiences. Just how was their father’s transition from JP Morgan to Goldman Sachs? And how many connections does his mother have? Learning about THEIR investments demonstrates YOUR investment.
Look them up in the directory, then find their apartment on StreetEasy or Zillow. Note how overheated and overpriced the greater NYC real estate market is, even with a once-in-a-generation pandemic. Consider moving to a more reasonable zip code. After rejecting that idea, return to scheming. Now, lurk outside their apartment so that you’re bound to have a cute and casual run-in.
At this point, things are heating up. Ask about all the foods they’re allergic to, and commit to not eating them, because you could start hooking up at any time. Ask them at least twice a day so you don’t forget. Buy all of the Benadryl at the CVS in case you slip up. If they can’t eat gluten, find someone else to scheme; that’s too high maintenance. However, allergies to sesame seeds, tree nuts, fish, and shellfish signify that they are an absolute gem — keep at it!
Get up during their current events presentation in history class and ask them (in front of the entire class and your teacher) to hook up with you. This requires you to not fall asleep during it, so come into school having consumed four cups of coffee that day. Then, test their moderation skills and see if they take your question to the class.
If all else fails, do what the rest of us do. Stay single until senior year when you whip out the mariachi band to ask them to prom. There’s no way they can say no while under the influence of the auditory excitement of the vihuela or the love song “La Cucaracha.”