Administration imposes breathless lunch in step up from silent lunch

Ariela Shuchman

On Friday evening, the administration announced a new COVID-19 protocol: students are no longer allowed to breathe while masks are off during lunch. “Breathless Lunch” will begin on Monday. 

Students will be given personal oxygen tanks that can be used once every 15 minutes outside of the Cohen Dining Commons. An auction took place on Friday night for naming rights for the oxygen tanks; The Record would like to extend a personal thank you to Allot O’Money P’23 once again for his contributions to the well-being of the school.

Tee Kay said he is aware that Breathless Lunch will be a challenge for our Lower and Nursery Division who might not have the maturity or lung capacity to follow the new protocol. In response, Allot O’Money has also generously offered to suck all of the oxygen out of the Lower and Nursery Division cafeterias so there is no choice to breathe. “It might be challenging for our little ones to not give into the temptation to send oxygen to their brain and blood,” Kay said. “There are already enough responsibilities falling on our young students this year, like sticking swabs up their noses instead of fingers, so we don’t want to add another one.”

For parents who might be concerned, oxygen masks were ordered from Stoney Clover Lane’s Hamptons location to ensure that no one will suffer from a bad case of Maskne. Uber Black (9) would “literally like rather die than ever like have a pimple,” she said. “I’m supposed to hook up with Personal Driver (12) this weekend, so just, like, no.”

Auntie Mask (11) “struggled” to fasten his oxygen mask on after his face turned bright Republican red due to lung damage. Unfortunately, no one could save him; the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) requires you to put on your own mask before assisting others and thus no one could legally help. 

Members of the Upper Division have been prepping over the weekend for Breathless Lunch using a variety of approaches. For example, Blue Indaface (10) Zoomed with swim Coach Leftma Suitathome to practice holding his breath for an extended period of time and to receive pointers on his technique. 

A petition has also arisen among the Upper Division to impose Breathless Ride for middle schoolers on the bus.