An abundance of caution? More like an abundance of emails!

Ariela Shuchman

In a new survey sent to the Upper Division to gauge students’ workload, a surprising response arose. When asked which subject occupies the majority of students’ homework time, 78% of responders selected “other” with the explanation that it was Dr. Kelly’s coronavirus and weather updates took up most of their time. 

In fact, on Monday morning, Illey Terate (11) arrived on campus not knowing it was a snow day. Goldsmith was promptly sent home; however, The Record reached out to Goldsmith to understand why she came to school despite school’s closure. “By the time I hit paragraph 11 it was already midnight,” Goldsmith said. “I had a math test the next day, so I thought I should go to bed. Little did I know that paragraph 14 told us that school was closed!” 

In a poll conducted by The Record, 28% of the Upper Division has hired tutors to help with understanding the emails. “How else are my precious children, Parker and Fifth, supposed to conquer academic challenges?” Madison Avenue ’91 P ’22 ’24 said.“It’s just one more drop in the bucket.”

The poll further revealed that 78% of the Upper Division has searched “Dr. Kelly Email” into SparkNotes to speed up the process. “Hey, SparkNotes already taught me Hamlet, Mrs. Dalloway, and the picture book we’re reading in English 12,” Burnt Out (12) said. 

Nine of them explained that they leave reading the email last as it is their hardest and most time consuming assignment for the night: “I get all of the calculus out of the way quickly to make sure I have enough time to read through it all — I don’t want to end up like Kombucha,” Cranjis McBasketball (12) said. (As a note to our readers: only the cultural elite understand references to Impractical Jokers.) 

However, one student articulated that they read Kelly’s email last because its poetic and inspiring nature leaves him with a peaceful dream: “It’s the ‘We can do this! and ‘Much Love, Tom’ that really puts a smile on my face and reminds me that there is good in the world,” he said. “He is the Claudia Rankine of our time.”

The History Department is just grateful that the heat is off of them. “Dr. Kelly is in the hot seat now,” history teacher Ms. Alottadegrees said. “My one hour of reading looks pretty sweet, doesn’t it, kids?”