Student experiments: A week without living in a society…

Hanna Hornfeld

Usually I can put up with all this madness, but the Kimye divorce was the proverbial straw that broke the Hornfeld back. Society is clearly both useless and dysfunctional, so I have decided to give up caring about it for a week and nobody can stop me.

 

Monday

My morning was a bit disappointing. I showed up to school in a onesie, but to my surprise, nobody seemed to notice. I felt a deep, impending sense of unaccomplishment, but hey, what’s new? Things started picking up in the afternoon, though! I stared at my math notes in utter confusion for roughly five seconds when I realized that math tests are a social construct. Thank goodness! I am very glad that I picked a testing week to give up on society because now I don’t have to study for anything! 

 

Tuesday 

After yesterday’s underwhelming reception to my outfit, I decided to go bolder today. During my E period free, I chopped off about ten and a half inches of hair, cut my own bangs, and dyed my hair pink. My mother has always told me that dying my hair would destroy it, but I have recently realized that “destroyed hair” is a social construct. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of using acrylic paints from the art studio. But dyed hair is a social construct, so was it really a mistake? Plus, I got a couple of weird looks from people, which means I must have been doing something right. 

 

My Record article was due at 6 pm. But alas, I was feeling lazy, and Record articles are social constructs as well! Instead, I spent the afternoon watching Mamma Mia on repeat while melting and refreezing jolly ranchers into the shapes of their corresponding fruits, for the aesthetic. 

 

Wednesday

On Monday night I had ordered the most extravagant ball gown I have ever seen online, and it finally arrived! It came with a remote control that lets me pick between summer, autumn, winter, and disco modes, kind of like the tree in the Lorax movie. I wore it to school today. I did not appreciate the way people appeared to be judging me. Obviously, they were all just jealous due to their personal lack of ball gowns. I will say that the gown made it difficult to walk across the sea of ice and mud that is Alumni Field, and everyone kept tripping on it in their rush to get Lloyd’s cupcakes during break. Honestly, you’d think that with all its rules, society would have taught people to watch where they’re going. 

 

I opened my phone to several messages from my Record editors about the article that I was supposed to hand in yesterday. On my laptop, I had multiple Google Classroom notifications about missing assignments. Phones and laptops are social constructs, so I dropped both into the Lutnick fish tank. I feel freer already! As for fish, well, they had a good run.

 

Thursday

Before I tossed my phone, I had seen a post listing places where society doesn’t feel real. The list included Target, empty parking lots at night, New Jersey, and the inside of a cabinet. During A period, I used a library computer to cancel my CoCo meeting (college is a social construct) and email Dr. Kelly that I would be quitting school (school is a social construct). I then “stole” my parents’ car (car ownership is a social construct) and drove it (minimum driving ages are a social construct; “knowing how to drive” is a social construct) to all of the aforementioned locations. At each spot, I screamed into the void. Society-believing bystanders appeared concerned for me. I pity them for never having screamed into a void. It’s a lot of fun. (Although fun may be a social construct, too. Much to mull over).

 

Friday 

At 3 am I bought a plane ticket to a random mountain range I saw on Pinterest and I guess this is a formal announcement that I will be living here among frogs, sheep, and fluffy cows for an indefinite period of time although my lack of money makes it technically illegal to inhabit the cottage I found but money and laws are both products of Society which I have left behind in my previous life besides I’ve already started making my own paper and pressing flowers to decorate my room and I spent several hours this morning talking to a cute mouse that inhabits my kitchen wall while the mean-looking lady in the wallpaper judged me profusely. I do not appreciate her judgement. It reminds me too much of Society.

 

This article will be my second-to-last communication with the outside world. Tomorrow I plan to tell the local children I’m a witch and see what happens. Such fun!