Seniors? We haven’t seen yer motivation in a hot sec.

“A movie was playing and a single student was sleeping in the back. I have no idea where my teacher was” Attên Dunce (12) said. No more than three students have shown up to Dunce’s English elective in the past two weeks — the rest of the class has fallen victim to the school’s most recent viral outbreak: senioritis.  

“The mask mandate is over and COVID therefore no longer exists, so we needed a new pandemic,” Eyema Nerd (12) said. Now, instead of giving lessons, Dunce’s teacher Dr. Givhen Op sits in their office alone watching Instagram Reels and questioning their life decisions, Op said. 

Common signs of senioritis include spontaneously passing out, a nauseating aversion to academics, the attention span of a TikTok addicted goldfish, and general hangover symptoms (though the WHO has disputed whether this is caused by senioritis). “We have no idea how to Stop The Spread,” Nurse Hori Fiyed said. “It’s just as contagious if they gather in large groups as it would be if we made them quarantine at home. In fact, quarantine is known to worsen symptoms.”

In desperation, the Dean of the Class of 2022 held a grade meeting to convince seniors to hold onto their self-respect. “Every single one of you is one failing grade away from expulsion,” he said. Everybody in the audience clapped.

At the meeting, Head of College Counseling Dee Furred read aloud a student’s college rescission letter. “I expected that would scare the sense back into them,” he said. “Instead, all the seniors stood up and started arguing with each other over whose letter it was.”

When Ree Jekshionn (12) silently stood up amidst the chaos and saluted, seniors immediately understood the letter was hers. Jekshionn has been named King of the Senior Empire of Xcessive Yawning (SEXY) — formerly known as the Senior Study Room. “We worship our new leader by burning our problem sets to get lit,” Caw Phee (12) said while scrubbing Jekhshionn’s crocs.

Despite seniors’ clear lack of interest in doing anything ever, faculty members continue to press on. History teacher Heigh Expektashions was dumbfounded to find that not a single senior had started their year-long paper, they said. “When I asked my class to share their first drafts, all of the seniors blinked at me in sync, like the Frozen trolls do in ‘Fixer Upper,’” Expektashions said.

“I’m not really sure what I’m writing about yet,” Acad Emmic (12) said. “I thought the paper was an inside joke.”

In a last effort to bolster participation, senior English electives have been converted into scheduled naptimes. “I used to sleep in and skip English. Now, I stay up late and come to school just for that class,” Tye Erd (12) said. “It feels so nice to only get five cut slips a day instead of six.”

Because students have been missing so much class, senior skip day has been postponed indefinitely. “Every day is senior skip day at this point,” Fayl Yure (12) said. “Plus I think we’re all too lazy to plan it.” 

Yure is one of 180 members of the senior class who still has not purchased a senior backpack. “My last two neurons refuse to fire long enough to understand the tiny keyboard on a computer,” she said. “That would involve reading and math, two activities which I left behind in my past life. Plus, clicking two buttons to place my order seems like a lot of effort.” 

“Even the senior tent is procrastinating getting decorated,” Ba Ré Minhemum (12) said.