Two maskless best friends in a room (they might kiss)


Oliver Konopko, Staff Writer

“It wasn’t until a drop of my friend’s spit landed on the tip of my tongue that I even realized it was hanging out of my mouth,” Sal Iva (11) said. 

After Head of School Antie Maskyr decided that COVID does not exist anymore, he removed the mask mandate, leaving everyone’s bottom faces exposed. “It isn’t healthy for students to grow up without seeing other people’s faces,” he said in an email to the student body. “Besides, I figure two years is long enough for a pandemic.” 

While students initially had mixed emotions, they are now in dismay after seeing their peers maskless. According to a Record poll, 99% of students are disgusted by their “mask-fishing” class crushes. “I just wish that I could go back to the old days when people’s faces were left up to the imagination,” Shall Oh (10) said. “Pro Blimhateec isn’t cute enough for me to excuse his questionable opinions anymore.”

Two weeks into the unmasking, the school announced a much-needed addition to the mandate. “All students will be required to chew gum in between classes to battle halitosis,” Maskyr said in an email to parents. “Toothpaste, toothbrushes, and mouthwash will also be sold in the school store.” 

The temporary disappearance of library mints, coupled with mask removal, has left many students in distress. “I failed my recent math test because of bad breath,” Mask Less (9) said. “I couldn’t focus on my proof because the kid sitting next to me is a mouth breather.” 

Bad breath isn’t the only thing assaulting students’ noses. Now that masks are gone, the copious amounts of perfume and cologne that students don are wreaking havoc. “The odor was pungent enough with a mask on, so I didn’t think it could get any worse,” Nay Sal Gavity (12) said whilst lying down in the nurse’s office, having fainted from some scent described as “woodsy skunk.” “Maybe masks served a purpose after all.” 

Just because the mask mandate was lifted does not mean Bayo Logist (9) will rip it off, they said. “I will continue to wear my custom made mesh mask because that is the safest thing for me to do,” Logist said. “Trust me, I got a 36 on the science section of my ACT.” 

For some students, masklessness has always been the norm. “Despite what Judge Jackson may claim, the pandemic was never real,” Mask Onchin (11) said. “I’m glad my classmates have stopped being such snowflakes. Maybe now they’ll believe me when I say climate change is fake too.” 

Others, such as librarian Eyelovh Bewks, wish the mandate was still in place. “Onchin is the worst,” she said. “I have no excuse to yell at him anymore, and I can’t force him to cover the stupid stache on his stupid face.” 

As more and more students take off their masks, several students have formed a new club: Students Against Wispy Staches (SAWS). SAWS was formed in order to combat the apparent lack of education amongst students on how to shave their wispy mustaches. 

“SAWS’ goal is to educate and hopefully to get HM students to shave their staches,” SAWS’ founder Lush Us Beard (12) said. ”We can’t stand idly by and watch these prepubescent kids make a mockery of facial hair. If you can’t grow it, don’t show it.”

Student backlash against SAWS has been particularly strong among ninth-grade boys. “My stache shows how awesome I am. How are my classmates supposed to know if I shave it?” Mann Lee (9) said. Lee learned all about the importance of a salacious stache from Manly Man AJ Walker, he said. 

Despite this backlash SAWS is sticking to its goals and has begun sending out educational “How to Shave” videos to all grades. The tutorials will also be played during the 2022-2023 school year safety assembly. “I just really hope one day I don’t have to see any more half-grown staches ever again,” Beard said.

SAWS is not the only group attacking students; teachers have been demolishing students in the classroom since day one of the mask removal. “I was just raising my hand to ask when we’re getting our essays from December back when my teacher audibly gasped,” Ugg Leigh (10) said. According to Leigh, the teacher then remarked, “Your chin is wack,” which made Leigh immediately turn red. “I could’ve said the same thing about her considering she was wearing bright yellow lipstick and had a tongue piercing,” Leigh said. 

Despite mixed reviews, Maskyr is happy with his decision to lift the mask mandate, he said. “I love seeing the students’ happy faces, even if they’re usually crying,” Maskyr said.