Horace Mann Purity Test
April 4, 2022
Put a check by every item you have done. Subtract a point for each check mark to get your score out of 55.
Caution: This is not a bucket list. Completion of all items on this test will likely result in lifelong trauma.
have you ever…
- hooked up in a faculty bathroom?
- been caught by a faculty member after hooking up in a faculty bathroom?
- stayed at school past 6 pm?
- stayed at school until midnight?
- slept over at school?
- fallen asleep during class?
- fallen asleep during an assembly?
- skipped an assembly?
- skipped pe?
- skipped a half-credit class?
- skipped a full credit class?
- received a cut slip even though you were in class?
- lied about failing a test?
- actually failed a test (less than 65 percent)?
- cried in class?
- cried during a test?
- cried while doing ungraded not-to-be-handed-in homework?
- been sent to guidance by one of your teachers?
- been sent to guidance by a random faculty member?
- been to HOCO?
- been to HOCO by accident?
- emailed a teacher at midnight?
- emailed a teacher after 3 am?
- gotten hit by a soccer ball while minding your business on the field?
- chucked a soccer ball back at a middle schooler on the field?
- gone bowling with your friends… using middle schoolers on the field as pins?
- turned in a major assignment a day late?
- turned in a major assignment in a week late?
- turned a major assignment in over a month late?
- taken the subway to school?
- avoided eye contact with your teacher on the same subway car as you?
- gotten off the train and walked the remaining few miles to school in order to avoid ever running into a teacher on a subway car again?
- made your friend get you Starbucks during their free?
- been the friend that has to haul a million coffee cups à la Andrea Sachs interning for Miranda Priestly after your friends made you get them Starbucks during your free?
- had food delivered to the school?
- had food delivered to the school by a guy riding a motorcycle?
- fallen in love with your motorcycle delivery guy and run away to Italy with him?
- been cut by a middle schooler in the lunch line?
- cut a middle schooler in the lunch line?
- gotten into a verbal spat with a middle schooler over whether you’re allowed to cut them in the lunch line?
- gotten into a physical fight with that same middle schooler?
- lost that physical fight and spent your next free trying to come up with a cooler backstory for your swelling black eye?
- bought a Monster from the vending machine?
- consumed more than one Monster in a day?
- consumed more than one Monster in a class period while your peers chant at you to “chug! chug! chug! chug!”?
- pulled an all-nighter?
- pulled more than one all-nighter in a week?
- used the elevator without permission?
- been kicked off the elevator by a faculty member?
- snuck onto a middle school bus?
- used the school’s Uber account for a ride home?
- sung the alma mater off school grounds?
- been quoted on @overheardhm?
- left hate comments on an @overheardhm post?
- said the words “junior spring cannot be that bad?” out loud?
Score: _____ / 55