To whom it may concern:

It has come to my attention—and perhaps those of you with any observational skills have noticed—that the growing pile of trash labeled “Lost and Found” outside the library is becoming not only a nuisance but a safety hazard. I am sick and tired of sending schoolwide emails that only nerds read, and those nerds aren’t leaving their Hermes bracelets on the sinks in the bathroom anyway. So I’m enacting some change. Starting next week, all that crap is being scooped off and shipped off to Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children [it was the only charity that would offer us a tax deduction]. But I’m turning to The Record [the small percentage of dorks that delete FirstClass spam might overlap with the losers who read this sorry excuse for a publication] with a plea: if any of the items below are yours, come get them. But do yourself a favor—don’t announce your presence. Slink to the pile in shame, grab, and go. I don’t want to know if that Invisalign that has been collecting dust for three and a half months ever belonged in your mouth.

I have organized the following list by size, from smallest to largest items, not because I thought it would be useful but because ICIE informed me I couldn’t do it by price. If you have lost something that isn’t on this list, it’s probably mine now.

1. One baby tooth
2. A half-used mango-flavored Juul pod
3. A live goldfish — but don’t come get this one. I’m attached and have named him Benny. 
4. A take-home algebra test (43.2/100, and the teacher wrote good work!) covered in unidentifiable stains — seems to me like coffee, blood, toothpaste (?), and tears. 
5. A filled out Health class drug usage form, with nothing written except “alcohol with supervision (at a seder).” 
6. Some unused late passes. Come n’ get ‘em while they last.
7. A stack of cut slips exclusively from the senior class
8. A dead rat. Please stop eating in the library.
9. Your mental stability (still looking for mine).
10. A sweaty trashketball shirt from the Bad News Berensons.
11. A precocious toddler. 
12. Hundreds of Fiske’s Guide to Colleges 2022. At least half have a post-it on the page with the U.S. News and World Report Rankings.  
13. An emotional support water bottle with a ~quirky~ collection of stickers. Hydrate or diedrate.
14. A frog squishmallow that likely belongs to #11.
15. A member of the Class of 2021 on their gap year (a lone and helpless wanderer in a dark and stormy sea)
16. And to whoever keeps parking their BMW in front of the fire hydrant — we’ve had your car towed here for safekeeping. 
17. Ur mom

Signed,

A disgruntled and anonymous librarian