Football Lions end 182-year losing streak, finally best Hackley


Finah Lee

The Varsity Football Team’s game against Hackley this week took a jaw-dropping turn: not only did the Lions win, but by a whopping 147-0.

“We totally crushed them. Hashtag football is life,” Varsity Football Team member Brad Bronco (11) said.

Because of this unexpected yet epic defeat of Hackley, the school has decided to reward the football team with brand new ultra-slimming uniforms (in a Horace Mann x Lululemon collaboration) and a 24k gold trophy that will be displayed in the middle of the Olshan Lobby for the next century.

“This trophy will not only signify the immense athletic talent of the football team, but prove that Horace Mann’s athletic department is, in fact, athletic,” Athletics Director Chad Stevenson said. “The athletic department has finally improved after centuries of defeat.”

Not all members of the school are as enthusiastic. Some students remain skeptical of Hackley’s defeat, considering the school’s Varsity Football team has placed last in the Ivy League for the past two centuries and never once beat Hackley.

Recent claims made by the Programming with Technology Club support this skepticism. “We were cornered in the locker room by the football team members,” whistleblower Simon Nerdman (9) said. “They threatened to wipe the sweaty, hairy armpits on our faces if we did not build ‘some sweet nerd-device’ to help them win.”

Inspired by Newton’s 28th Law, the Programming with Technology Club members used a complex magnetic wave spectrometry field to attract the football to the ferromagnetic gloves the Lions’ receivers wore, Nerdman said. “I know it’s unethical, but I had no other choice. Armpits are nasty, especially theirs.”

Bronco refutes the Programming with Technology Clubs’ claims. “That is complete B.S. They’re just pissy because they don’t have superior athletic capabilities like me and my brahs. They should keep their mouths shut and go back to their nerd dungeon in the basement of Tilly.”

This win has made school history, Stevenson said. “In fact, I don’t think the uniforms and trophy display will be enough.” Next week, the athletic department will spend 75% of its annual funding on a parade and Mr. Softee for the Varsity Football Team. 

“It’s not like we have something better to spend it on. Water polo can live without lifeguards for a couple of weeks,” Stevenson said. “It’s not like they don’t know how to swim.”