Firstly, we must address the elephant in the room. Yes, it is true that a bored/board member of the Happiness Club was found distributing snacks with “aggressive force.” Allegedly, this outburst was the result of a poor test grade. The member only received an A (as opposed to an A+) on a quantum mechanics of poetry, mid-semester, take-home quizzy-test.

He has been disciplined. You can now find him by the hover-Vober pickup zone, handing out individual M&M’s to any passerby. You are instructed to ask for a thousand M&M’s and wait for him to pick them out individually. Additionally, you are kindly asked to request all of one color (or a complicated ratio of colors). He will perpetually hand out snacks for the remainder of the week. We request that you not talk to him while he serves his sentence for apparent sadness.

Dean of snacky-time-happiness Richel “Costco” Ralo, released an internal statement to his underlings — the Happiness Club. In the email, Ralo detailed a “culture of unhappiness emerging from the core of the so-called happiness club.” President of the Happiness Club (12) responded in a scathing email reply, “Ralo, we have as much happiness as humanly possible, some of us have been handing out snacks to sleep-deprived teenagers for years.”

The administration has alerted The Record (now The SK8) that, on a completely unrelated note, the Happiness Club Czar will stand outside of the student-faculty executive academic center, handing out individual M&M’s. For those that know this elusive man, him standing near the Academic Center is no surprise, but now you can request M&M’s while you wait to have your math or science questions answered.

The following week, Happiness Club Supreme Ruler was seen taking the E-stage in the whole-division E-assembly. During the assembly he (was handed a piece of paper by Ralo) decided of his own free will, to give a speech. Addressing the entire Upper E-Division, the Supreme Ruler stated that “any member or associated position of the Happiness Club could now visit the nurse during the WW-AA block in the schedule to receive a Botox injection to the face.”

The Ultimate Monarch of Happiness Club went on to state that the injections were to ensure the club members smiled better. The administration has called this decision “well supported” and “coming from the top of the hover chain.” Dean Ralo did not respond to requests for an interview, and it appears that Happiness Club High Emperor has gone into hiding. Sources suggest that he can potentially be found in the Record Stu Pub every Thursday night…