Students achieve best selves with biotracker chips


Sleepda Prived

Starting this week, the administration mandates all students to undergo a highly invasive procedure that will insert the patented BioMann3000 chip at the base of their skull. “Just think of it like another booster,” the new Head of Biometrics Dr. Mann Date said.

Marking a new era of technology-enhanced learning, BioMann3000 will track 457 different metrics to optimize student performance and increase mental health by a guaranteed 98.4%, Date said.

Students will receive the implants upon entry into Olshan Lobby on Friday, along with a maroon and white band-aid and, in true school fashion, a celebratory t-shirt saying “Go L101010NS!”

Should any student fall below an A- in class, BioMann3000 will help them proactively tackle the problem by alerting their parents, teachers, and guidance counselors. If their grade tips below a B-, BioMann3000 will employ the tried-and-true method of public shaming by projecting students’ GPA above their head in red hologram letters. Should it fall below a C-, BioMann3000 will initiate self-destruct protocol.

BioMann3000 will also help students manage stress levels. When their cortisol shoots past 25 mcg/dL, the tracker will diffuse adrenocorticotropic hormones into their bloodstream, with or without explicit consent. Potential side effects include irritability, increased appetite for tendies, diarrhea or constipation, and/or death.

The sleep tracker function in the BioMann3000 will report when and for how long students rest.  “I slept literally two hours this whole week and I’m still ranked fifth in my grade,” Ty Erd (10) said. Students with the lowest sleep number get instant bragging rights.

The chip also boasts an atomic time tracker function that calculates the total minutes spent cramming for assessments and groveling for club positions. Final times will be posted on the Cornstein Family Scoreboard at the end of the semester. Walter’s Hot Dogs will be provided to the top 10% of the student body.

Parents are encouraged to compare their children’s results. “I love BioMann3000. Now I know that when Johnny says he’s studying, he’s actually playing fantasy football. Guess we have to confiscate his Range Rover!” Whit E. Prvlge P’82 said. 

BioMann3000’s ultimate method of intervention in student behavior is a series of harmless-but-extremely-painful electric shocks in graduated, potentially-fatal increments. Students will receive a shock if they: mindlessly scroll social media for over 10% of their waking hours; attend PE in jeans; refuse to sing the alma mater at full volume (including the high note); ask teachers how they can “do better”; inquire about a senior’s Early Decision school.

If a students’ end-of-year stats fall short of to Horace Mann Standards (see pages 1472-1495 of the Family Handbook for more details), they are sent to the school’s new Reflection Room, a silent empty white space to “reflect on their actions” and “lean into the discomfort.” 

“The decision to install trackers was one of the best choices that school has ever made,” Date said. “It’s about time we started embodying our sixth core value: big data is watching.”