After a century of fearlessly breaking school news such as “The assembly last week” and “That other assembly the week before that,” The Record has published its final issue. It will be replaced by weekly newspaper The SK8, covering HMSK8, the only club that students do not join for college credit.

Led by former Record faculty advisor, The SK8 will bring back real reporting to the student body. “I’m all for journalism, but spending Thursday nights in the StuPub for another year would have been my breaking point,” he said. “Now all I need is to change the core value to life of the grind and all my dreams will be fulfilled.”

The SK8 will report only the most consequential school news: kids who thrash. “We already have an issue in the works ranking the skaters in terms of ability, commitment to the club, and use of sarcasm,” the advisor said. 

The Record’s disbandment was met by dismay among its editorial board. “What will I put on my Regular Decision application now, when I shockingly don’t get into the ED school my college counselor strongly discouraged me from applying to?” the disgruntled Editor-In-Chief said. 

The editors and staff writers are struggling to cope with the publication’s removal, Anty Soshul (12) said. “I’ve given up everything to be a news editor. What else am I supposed to do on Thursdays besides stress about the layout? My homework?”

Students on the top-secret-but-definitely-real interviewee list are thankful for the change, Burn Tout (11) said. “I hate getting emails from freshmen asking me for an interview,” she said. “I read it and didn’t respond. Take the hint.”

UD teachers are also grateful for the shift, UD English teacher Dr. Greene Lite said. “I can’t stand when Record writers hand out the paper in class on Friday. It’s such a distraction from the real work of English: analyzing literature using Sigmund Freud’s mommy issues.” An anonymous student reported seeing Lite get into her car with a skateboarding helmet last Tuesday.

The student body greatly prefers The SK8 over The Record, Cawfee Adikt (11) said. “At least this publication has some positive news,” she said. “Why would I want to read about our Lions losing again?”

The SK8 is projected to be the most popular publication now that The Record is gone — not a high bar, given that the paper’s readership consisted of its own writers vying for leadership positions and… well, that’s about it.