Teachers rock the gram


Screen Ager

In a desperate attempt to make classes interesting for disengaged students, teachers have resorted to holograms, a new invention by Elon Musk’s fifth, and most valuable, son, 43#9k-AB Musk. 

Last Monday, teachers received codes which, when entered into the school’s new MannGram app, will project holograms of themselves.

The holograms cost the school a total of 780.3 million dollars, a price that Head of School Tee Kay Jr. believes was appropriate, he said. “Now that our tuition is a cool million dollars a year, we have all this extra cheddar we thought would be well spent on the ‘grams,” he said through a pre-recorded hologram email. 

Teachers have been getting creative with the way they use their holograms in class. Physical Education teacher Ath Letic uses the holograms to project a moving race track so that students think they are running, but they are actually just jogging in place. “Now, students get excited to go running instead of slow-walking with their AirPods like they normally do,” Letic said. (A study done by Science Research teacher Mito Kondria shows that student health has dropped since then.)

While holograms have allowed classes to become more innovative, teachers have begun to misuse their technological privileges, Dean of Faculty Techno Logee said. 

When Arc Sine (12) wanted to meet her calculus teacher in person to courteously negotiate her mid semester grades, she had to watch a pre-recorded hologram statement instead. “He put his hand in my face, said ‘talk to the gram,’ and took off.”

Upper Division History teacher Ofdu Peepul also finds the “gramming” useful because she can prerecord pieces of advice for her meetings with students. “Basically my gram just nods slowly and repeats ‘well, what do you think about that,’” Peepul said. Since students only met with her to boost their participation grade anyways, the holograms have not impeded their learning, she said.

The Record reached out to Kay for comment on the negative ramifications that holograms may have brought to the student body. Kay responded with a pre-recorded hologram GIF of him reciting the Core Values on repeat.