In merch we trust: school brands every item in sight


Mah Roone

Last week, the School finished renovations on Fisher Hall, retiling the floors maroon and white and decking all of the cafeteria tables in patented HM garb.

The school now requires all clothes worn on campus to be in the color of maroon or white and sent complementary appliques with the HM logo out to every student, faculty, staff, and alumni.

“I can’t believe people back then used to wear anything but maroon and white,” Auburn Haye (9) said. “It’s truly the best color combo. I bleed maroon and white. I also think I need to see a doctor.”

Upon entering the school, clothing and items not in the official school colors must be discarded in a large maroon bin, where they will be incinerated.

“We take our branding very seriously at this school,” Head of School Dr. Buhr Gundee said. “What is a stronger display of our core values and mission statement than seeing the Horace Mann logo everywhere? We’re an indoctrinational — I mean, educational institution.

“How much did it cost? Probably more figures than in the word ‘burgundy,’” Spittin Facks (9) grumbled.

“Community and unity should be preserved at any cost,” Ghundee said when asked about the exorbitant budget dedicated to the renovations. Ghundee declined further comment on the matter.

The school now has an M-rated energy level, for maroon, and uses the incinerated items as fuel in the cafeteria. It is also in the process of laser printing the school motto and core values on every penetrable surface.

Skywriter airplanes will be paid to fly over the school 24/7 spelling out “Horace Mann” in maroon and white smoke, regardless of the environmental impact. “I understand the environmental concerns, but our brand comes first,” Ghundee said.

Some students were not on board with the rebranding. “You spend eight hours in this place and by G period, you forget what the color green looks like,” Nott Tuhapi (10) said.

Dissenters were swiftly and ruthlessly crushed. Tuhapi was escorted off the campus in maroon and white handcuffs. 

Some have forgotten the existence of other colors altogether. When the writer showed Mar Runin-White (9) a picture of green grass (outside the school, as Alumni Field has now been spray-painted a vibrant shade), Runin-White said she felt quite faint and asked to be led back to school grounds.

Student athletes cite the maroon-and-white astro turf as the primary reason for their current losing streak. Other reasons for their losses might include lack of coordination, stamina, skill, and grit.

School curriculum has changed to represent the new branding decision. “In my Drawing and Painting class, we learned about color theory,” Runin-White said. “I can safely say I understand the difference between burgundy and maroon now.” 

“There are other colors?” Maurice Wong (6) asked.