Tuition hits $1M, zombie Mann harangues Trustees


Max A. Million

A putrefying and moldering Horace Mann rose from his Rhode Island grave and staggered 166 miles along the side of I-95 to burst into the Trustee’s meeting room to castigate the Board of Trustees after the school raised the tuition to one million dollars a year.

His rotting corpse lambasted the stunned crowd of 32 trustees. “Really? I mean, really? A million dollars? And I thought sixty thousand was bad. I spent my whole life dedicated to education as a great equalizer, and this is how you honor my legacy?”

One board member commented, “It was trippy to see Horace Mann ‘in the flesh.’ But I gotta be honest — he smelled pretty funky.”

The Board defended their tuition hike by citing rising inflation, and sent Mann back to Providence in an Uber XL with a complimentary HM sweatshirt, mug, and umbrella.

In a later press release, the board explained their seven-figure fee by flaunting the school’s pricey initiatives.

Half the money will go towards increased security. “The only way to protect our students is to encase each one in bubble wrap,” Chair of Trustees Mann Made P’2134, 2136, 2140, 2142 said. Additionally, a giant moat surrounding campus has been constructed and filled with orcas. The t-shirt cannon has been converted into a real cannon to terminate potential assailants. Some of the increased tuition revenue will be spent on Helicopter escorts that arrive every 10-minutes to ferry students to the Dunkin’ Donuts down the hill.

The remaining cash-money will fund a fleet of gourmet food trucks manned by celebrity chefs. Options include caviar on chicken tendies and foie gras mac and cheese. Facilities Management will also install Snapple fountains every 20 feet to meet students’ beverage needs.

When asked if there is an inherent contradiction between the school tuition and its astronomical tuition, Washed Uplum ‘97 was stunned speechless — but not for long. “Chill brah,” he said. “We did service learning.”