HUMOR: What’s supp?


Amira Dossani

Ariela Schuchman, Staff Humorist

For those of you who have not been through the college process, most schools require additional essays or short answer prompts for their application. The University of Southern California (USC) has a section for “quick takes.” 

Their admissions officers like to say that your answers for this section have no effect on your application, “it’s just for you to have fun, no strings attached.” For non-seniors, please know that this is the ultimate Trojan Horse: nothing in the college process or in life is ever for “fun.”

But The Record has always been a place for students to let their hair down and express their most true and creative selves. So I thought I would publish some of my scrapped ideas for the USC quick takes section. Juniors, feel free to borrow, though know that you would be moving to Los Angeles, a city with more lax prosecution policy and veganism than New York.

Describe yourself in three words.

First Word: Google

Second Word: My 

Third Word: Daddy

What is your favorite snack?

  1. ~Trail mix~
  2. Liberal tears
  3. Middle schoolers
  4. Cafeteria Tilapia
  5. The liberal tears of middle schoolers forced to eat cafeteria tilapia

Best movie of all time:

  1. Varsity Blues: The College Admissions Scandal 
  2. That Kim Kardashian movie.
  3. Wolf of Wall Street, you know who you are : – )

Favorite quote:

  1. “The juice is loose.”
  2. “Bro I literally started Barry’s Bootcamp.”
  3. “Can’t talk…sorry, gotta catch my bus!”
  4. “You’ll be taking this in the testing center.” 

Least favorite quote:

  1. “Here’s a joke from the Happiness Club!…Thanks, Happiness Club!”
  2. “B+/A-”
  3. “We have to read articles in advisory today.”
  4. “When’s your birthday? What’s your zip code?” 
  5. *caption* “Life recently” 

Dream job:

  1. Katz Library influencer
  2. The fish in the Lutnick fish tank
  3. Tiger Woods impersonator
  4. Bat Mitzvah dancer assigned to the grandma 

If your life had a theme song, what would it be?

  1. I’m On A Boat by The Lonely Island

Dream trip:

  1. UCLA campus tour
  2. The all gender bathroom
  3. Dorr
  4. Escorted walk to Counseling & Guidance

What TV show will you binge watch next?

  1. How to Get Away with Murder (your alumni are already experts)
  2. The History Department Speaker Series

Favorite book:

  1. The Pocket U.S. Constitution 
  2. Spanish Preterite and Imperfect
  3. The Mannikin flipped to ~his~ half page
  4. The dean suite group chat

If you could teach a class on any topic, what would it be?

  1. Coping with a University Deferral
  2. History through Twitter
  3. History through Barstool Sports
  4. Intro to Microaggressions