The Record

Editorial: The Record endorses Donald Trump

November 1, 2020

With the election next Tuesday, we know many of you are still undecided. Fear not! The Record is proud to announce our endorsement for the 2020 Presidential Election: Donald J. Trump.  Trump is the...

Why Horace Mann is a perpetual Bat Mitzvah

November 1, 2020

  The girl’s bathroom is where it’s at. You just overheard a group of girls in the big stall talking about what Felicia and Jeremy were doing last Saturday night after they went to Momoya....

School purchases rights to Charlie Brown

November 1, 2020

Whenever students feel overwhelmed by their absurd amount of work and find themselves slowly slipping into the void of stress, despair, and utter lack of will to do anything they can find comfort in the...

School sues the University of Chicago for plagiarism

November 1, 2020

Over the weekend, seniors tore open their mail to find yet another glossy HM booklet promoting “Life of the Mind.” It was a pamphlet from the University of Chicago. This is not a joke.    After...

Zoomtivah: A night to be forgotten

November 1, 2020

“This year has been filled with loss,” Kan Twait-Torage (7) said. “But nothing has hurt quite as badly as realizing that I won’t get to post a photo booth picture on Instagram of every single bat...

Horace Mamptons to open soon-ish

November 1, 2020

Move over, Avenues — HM is in town! After Thanksgiving, when most of the school will conduct HM Online 2.0, the school will offer an in-person learning option in Southampton: Horace Mampton, Head of...

Consbeeracy buzzes around

November 1, 2020

A few weeks ago, Polly Nater (11) was one of a select group of very observant students who began noticing the bees around campus. First, they were clustered by the trash cans. Then a lone soul buzzed around...

MAGA hat found, incites third Red Scare

November 1, 2020

All school will be conducted remotely for the next two weeks after Public Safety identified and successfully obliterated a MAGA hat on Alumni Field, Head of School Dr. Tee Kay announced in an email at...

Varsity Couch Potatoes dominate the Ivy League

April 8, 2019

Spencer ‘channel-surfer’ Kahn’t (11) won this year’s award for Most Valuable Couch Potato, given annually to the school’s best athlete on the prestigious team. Kahn’t and his teammates on the...

Knitting addiction deemed community crisis

April 8, 2019

Knitting, initially introduced as a means of relaxation during Wellness Week, has become a dangerous addiction for the student body. The activity has taken over every corner of the school and become commonplace...

Gym class heroes: Behind the scenes

April 8, 2019

ALEXA MARK (11) - THE DESTROYER When she’s not delivering fire rebuttals at debate tournaments or writing powerful articles for a publication that shall not be named (The Review), one can find Alexa...

Student protest after Keg Party is removed from health class

April 8, 2019

All that could be heard echoing through the halls of the school this past week have been cries of “#RipLangston.” As the health class curriculum stops showing the iconic film “Keg Party” as part...

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